In a twist that’s equal parts hilarious and pathetic, researchers have linked Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS) to a plummeting testosterone crisis among liberal men.
The result? A nationwide epidemic of limp noodles and a sudden explosion of boner pill startups catering to soy boys who can’t stop crying about the 45th president.
The bombshell dropped today from the Institute of Manly Studies (IMS), a rogue outfit that dared to ask why so many blue-state dudes are suddenly sporting man-buns and zero mojo.
Their conclusion: Years of TDS-fueled rage has turned liberal testosterone levels into something resembling a Prius’s horsepower—barely there and embarrassing to admit.
Dr. Chad Strongjaw, IMS’s lead scientist, laid it out plain and simple. “We found that constant exposure to Trump’s voice—whether it’s clips on MSNBC or nightmares about golden hair—triggers a hormonal meltdown in these guys,” he said.
“Their bodies are so busy producing tears and hashtags that they’ve forgotten how to make testosterone.”
The study tracked 300 liberal men, all of whom admitted to refreshing X daily for “Trump scandals” since 2016.
By year three, their T-levels had tanked faster than CNN’s ratings, leaving them with less masculinity than a kale smoothie.
Symptoms of this TDS-induced flop are hard to miss. Participants reported not just a lack of libido but also an obsession with skinny jeans, craft IPAs, and calling everyone “toxic.”
One subject, a 29-year-old barista named River, confessed, “I used to lift weights—now I lift my phone to tweet about how Trump ruined my life.”
The IMS didn’t stop there—they measured beard growth too.
“These guys couldn’t grow facial hair if their lives depended on it,” Dr. Strongjaw chuckled. “It’s like their chins surrendered to Rachel Maddow.”
Naturally, the free market has swooped in to capitalize on the crisis.
Boner pill companies are popping up faster than pronouns at a Berkeley protest, with names like “Blue Wave Boost” and “Erectile Justice.”
Their ads feature sad-sack hipsters gazing longingly at AOC posters, promising “a stiff return to resistance.”
One startup, Libido Liberator, has already cornered the market with a pill called “TDS-agra.” Their slogan? “Get hard again—without thinking about HIM.”
Founder Kyle Wokeington, a former NPR intern, bragged, “We’re saving relationships and democracy, one erection at a time.”
Sales are through the roof, especially in Portland and San Francisco, where pharmacies report lines of pasty dudes in flannel begging for relief.
“It’s like Black Friday for boners,” one cashier quipped. “They’re too weak to fight over the last bottle.”
The liberal elite, predictably, are in denial.
CNN’s hosts dismissed the study as “misogynistic pseudoscience,” claiming low T is “just men evolving past toxic masculinity.”
He then reportedly popped a mystery pill live on air, muttering, “I’m fine, totally fine,” as his voice cracked.
Meanwhile, The New York Times ran a piece titled “Why Low Testosterone Is a Moral Victory.”
The author, a gender studies professor with a neckbeard, argued, “Needing less testosterone is progressive—it’s the patriarchy that wants you hard.”
On X, the meltdown was instant and glorious. @BlueCheckBryce
tweeted, “This is a MAGA lie—I don’t need testosterone, I have solidarity!”
Another user, @WokeAndBroke, raged, “Boner pills are capitalist oppression—real men don’t need erections, they need therapy!”
Conservatives, of course, couldn’t resist piling on. @RedMeatPatriot posted a meme of Trump flexing next to a sobbing liberal clutching a limp carrot, captioned: “TDS: Turning men into vegetables since 2016.”
The IMS study pinpointed TDS’s root cause: an overdose of outrage porn.
“These guys watch eight hours of Trump rants on loop, then wonder why their bodies shut down,” Dr. Strongjaw explained.
“It’s like feeding your manhood a steady diet of despair and avocado toast.”
Participants who quit cold turkey—ditching cable news for hunting or even just push-ups—saw T-levels rebound within weeks.
One ex-TDS sufferer, now a gym bro named Brad, grinned, “I traded my MSNBC subscription for a squat rack—best decision ever.”
But the boner pill boom isn’t slowing down, and neither is the liberal whining.
A green new deal lover jumped into the fray, tweeting: “Low testosterone is climate change’s fault, not Trump’s—fund my Green New Deal to fix it!”
Her followers cheered, ignoring that she’d just blamed global warming for their floppy futures.
Hollywood’s getting in on it too.
Rumors swirl that Netflix is greenlighting a docuseries, Soft on the Left, starring weepy celebs lamenting their lost vigor while blaming “the orange man.”
The IMS offered a simpler fix: “Turn off the TV, lift something heavy, and eat a steak.”
Unsurprisingly, this advice was met with cries of “toxic masculinity” and “meat is murder.”
In blue enclaves, the backlash has birthed a new trend: “TDS Pride” rallies where men flaunt their low T as a badge of honor.
They wave signs like “Softness Is Strength” and “Real Men Cry”—all while popping TDS-agra like Tic Tacs.
The boner pill companies, meanwhile, are raking in cash hand over fist.
“We’ve got a lifetime supply of customers,” Wokeington boasted. “As long as Trump’s alive, these guys will need us—heck, even his golf swing triggers them.”
Pharmacies report a side hustle too: selling “TDS Recovery Kits” with dumbbells, beef jerky, and a note that says, “Step 1: Stop watching your favorite CNN host.”
Liberals buy them ironically, then quietly start bench-pressing in their basements.
Red states are watching this circus with glee.
Texas ranchers report spotting lost-looking liberals wandering their fields, muttering about “systemic flaccidity” while clutching pill bottles. One cowboy laughed, “They’re like tumbleweeds with no tumble left.”
Even Trump’s weighed in, reportedly saying at Mar-a-Lago, “I’ve got the best testosterone, folks—tremendous, nobody does it better.”
He’s allegedly planning a “Man Up America” tour to “fix these sad little fellas.”
In the end, the IMS hopes their findings wake up the woke. “TDS isn’t just shrinking their spirits—it’s shrinking everything else,” Dr. Strongjaw warned.
“Put down the remote, pick up a barbell, and maybe you’ll stop needing a pill to feel like a man.”
