In a shocking turn of events, scientists have found a groundbreaking cure for Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS). The remedy? Simply switching off CNN and going for a long walk in the fresh air—preferably somewhere without Wi-Fi or sanctimonious talking heads.
The announcement came earlier today from the Institute of Common Sense Studies (ICSS), a little-known research group that somehow managed to avoid being canceled on X. After years of watching blue-haired activists scream into the void about orange men living rent-free in their heads, the ICSS decided enough was enough. Their findings? TDS isn’t a chronic condition—it’s a self-inflicted wound caused by too much Don Lemon and not enough sunlight.
Dr. Norm Ality, lead researcher at ICSS, explained the breakthrough in a press conference held in a field (because why not?).
“We observed that subjects who turned off their TVs and walked away—literally—showed a 98% reduction in symptoms like spontaneous shrieking and irrational fear of red hats,” he said. “It’s almost as if nature heals what cable news breaks.”
The study followed 500 participants, all self-identified liberals who hadn’t stopped hyperventilating since November 8, 2016.
Within 48 hours of ditching CNN for a brisk stroll, 492 of them reported feeling “confused but oddly calm,” with one even admitting, “I forgot why I was mad.”
Of course, the news didn’t sit well with the progressive elite. An MSNBC show host immediately called the study “a Russian psy-op,” while CNN’s anchors clutched a potato chip bag and sobbed, “This is an attack on journalism!” Sources say they plan to counter the findings with a hard-hitting exposé titled “Walks: The Silent Killer of Democracy.”
Meanwhile, social media erupted with predictably unhinged takes. A viral X post read, “Walking is ableist and turning off CNN is misogynistic—do better, science!” Another user claimed the cure was “just MAGA propaganda” because “fresh air smells like privilege.”
The ICSS study didn’t stop at walking, though. Researchers also found that TDS symptoms—like compulsive hashtag activism and uncontrollable urges to call everyone a fascist—dropped even faster when participants deleted X from their phones.
“It turns out,” Dr. Ality noted, “that arguing with strangers online about a guy who’s been out of office for years isn’t great for your mental health.”
This revelation has sparked panic among the coastal chattering class.
Hollywood celebrities, who’ve built entire careers on TDS, are reportedly forming a support group called “Actors Against Serenity.” Sources say a longtime host stormed off The View set, yelling, “I’m not walking anywhere unless it’s to a protest!”
Even AOC weighed in, tweeting: “ Telling people to turn off the news and walk is capitalist oppression. We need universal therapy and free Wi-Fi, not trees!” Her followers nodded along, blissfully unaware that trees are, in fact, free.
But the real comedy gold came from the study’s control group—50 die-hard CNN viewers who refused to participate.
Left to their own devices, they spent the trial period glued to a 24-hour loop of “Trump’s Top Ten Tweets.”
By day three, half had formed a prayer circle around an Anderson Cooper cardboard cutout, chanting, “Save us from the orange menace!”
Dr. Ality described the scene as “equal parts hilarious and horrifying.” He added, “We tried to intervene, but they accused us of being QAnon for suggesting they drink water instead of kombucha.”
The cure’s simplicity has baffled the liberal establishment, who’ve spent years insisting TDS is an untreatable epidemic. Pundits have long claimed it’s a “natural response” to Trump’s existence, like allergies or taxes. But the ICSS begs to differ, pointing out that no one’s forcing anyone to watch six hours of Jim Acosta yelling into a camera.
Conservatives, predictably, are having a field day. X is flooded with memes of Trump sipping covfefe while liberals trudge into the woods, muttering about “systemic racism in nature.” One user, @MAGA4Life, posted, “Turns out the cure for TDS was in the Constitution all along: freedom from bad takes.”
Even Trump himself chimed in from Mar-a-Lago, reportedly saying, “I’ve been telling them to go outside for years—beautiful walks, the best walks, believe me.” Insiders say he’s planning a “TDS Recovery Rally” with free MAGA hats for reformed liberals.
The backlash from the left has only fueled the satire. A Slate op-ed titled “Why Walking Won’t Fix Our Pain” argued that fresh air is “problematic” because “not everyone has equal access to parks.” The author, a Brooklynite with a $3,000 rent-controlled apartment, suggested taxpayers fund “indoor scream rooms” instead.
Meanwhile, a newspaper from NY ran a 5,000-word piece claiming the study’s reliance on “common sense” is a dog whistle for white supremacy. “Sense isn’t common,” the author huffed, “it’s a construct of the patriarchy!”
But the ICSS isn’t backing down. Dr. Ality doubled down in a follow-up statement, saying, “We’re not telling anyone to stop caring about politics—just to stop caring so much about a guy who’s currently golfing.” He urged TDS sufferers to “touch grass, not glass screens,” a phrase now trending on X under #CureTDS.
The study’s participants have become unlikely evangelists for the cause. One former TDS patient, a 34-year-old barista named Skyler, told reporters, “I used to think Trump was hiding under my bed—now I just sleep better knowing he’s not on my TV.”
As the news spreads, red states are reportedly seeing an uptick in liberal tourists wandering their forests, looking dazed but hopeful. Local sheriffs say it’s the funniest thing they’ve seen since Biden’s last press conference. One Texan remarked, “They keep asking where the nearest Starbucks is, but at least they’re not yelling anymore.”
The cure’s success has even sparked a cottage industry. Entrepreneurial types are selling “TDS Detox Kits” online—complete with hiking maps, earplugs, and a note that says, “Step 1: Smash your remote.” Liberals are buying them ironically, only to realize they actually work.
In the end, the ICSS hopes their discovery brings peace to a divided nation. “Turn off the noise, take a walk, and maybe talk to someone who doesn’t agree with you,” Dr. Ality advised. “Or don’t—just don’t blame us when you’re still mad in 2030.”
